The Hardest Thing


The hardest thing is writing something humorous in a time of crisis. 

Looking through funny quotes by famous or not-so-famous people, I haven’t been able to find all that much that would be relevant during a pandemic.  Well, OK.  I haven’t really looked that much.  But I am thinking about it.  That’s the second hardest thing.  Thinking about it.

Maybe turning off the TV would help.

Drink some iced tea. 

As a child I discovered that black tea made me happy.  As an adult, I discovered coffee made me nervous.  The discovery of alcohol made me want to dance.  If I drank all three, it would make me a happy, but nervous, dancer.  I have images of Elaine from Seinfeld dancing like a crazy.  That’s it.  Just a crazy.  Happy and weird.  Love her.

Throughout life, my choice of drink depended on what needed to be accomplished.  Need to love life?  Tea.  Need to jump on a freeway jammed with angry drivers who weren’t going anywhere fast?  Coffee.  Of course.  Might as well be as nervous and uptight as everyone else.  Now.  During a pandemic.  Hold the coffee! 

A Quote:

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”  Rodney Dangerfield

Another Quote:

“I’m too drunk to taste this chicken.” – Colonel Sanders

Not working and having a little spare time on my hands during these pandemic days, memories of my life before I was twenty are finding their way to the forefront.  That top drawer of my brain file that has been locked has suddenly opened and spilled out so many memories.  Sifting through them is not a full-time job.  They present themselves in spurts, so that I say “oh wow” a lot. 

Quote:

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

Weird pandemic dreams have settled down a bit lately.  I still have them every night and remember them fully.  Almost.  But now they aren’t bazaar.  They are all about working at jobs I didn’t like that much, or at all, but I don’t hate my bosses.  You’re right.  That’s bazaar.  I wonder if I’m becoming a better person or if I’m just tired of hating. 

Eating has become a full-time staple.  I do it with relish.  Used to hate relish, but since my doctor told me to stop eating acid foods I have to try weird foods.  Like relish.  I wonder if the dreams about drowning in relish will come soon. 

Been thinking of adopting a dog.  A cuddler.  A best friend who will love me no matter what I say or do.  Or smell like.  But I have birds and it’s really an unsure proposition how they would react to a dog.  I got a new chair the other day which is sitting within two feet of their cage, and they act like it’s a monster.  Especially when I sit in it.  Do they think the monster is cuddling me?  See what I mean?  But I’m in the monster-chair’s lap and a dog would be in mine.  Unless I got a really huge dog.  But the dog would have to clean up it’s own poop and I just don’t have the time to teach it.  I mean, I’m eating relish now.

That reminds me.  It’s lunchtime. 

Last Quote:

“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

Gotta go.  Have a great day and stay healthy!  Wear a damn mask!

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